Blog #12 | Part 4: Rebuilding Trust - How to Move Forward When the Relationship Feels Broken

Take Responsibility for Your Part:

The hardest truth: even if you are a loving, devoted mother, we are all capable of making mistakes that might have damaged your relationship. Research on parent-child relationships shows that combined levels of parental psychological control are associated with lower well-being at all ages (PMC, 2015) ⁵. 

Common issues adult children mention include:

Boundary Violations: Not respecting their privacy, independence, or decision-making authority 

Emotional Manipulation: Using guilt, tears, or threats to influence their behavior 

Criticism Disguised as Concern: Comments about their weight, appearance, choices, or lifestyle that felt judgmental 

Playing Favorites: Comparing them to siblings or other people's children 

Not Apologizing: Being unable to admit mistakes or always justifying your actions.

A good apology includes:

• Specific acknowledgment: "I realize I was critical of your career choice"

• Understanding impact: "I can see that made you feel unsupported"

• Taking full responsibility: No "but" statements or excuses

• Commitment to change: "I'm going to work on expressing my concerns differently"

Rebuild One Conversation at a Time:

Start Small: Don't expect to resolve years of tension in one conversation. Focus on having one good interaction, then another. Research from the Global Flourishing Study shows that the quality of parent-child relationships significantly impacts the satisfaction and well-build of adult children's lives, making these efforts worthwhile (Communications Psychology, 2024) ⁶.

Be Consistent: Show up reliably in small ways. Return calls promptly, remember important dates, follow through on commitments.

Stay Present: Focus on enjoying who they are now rather than mourning who they used to be or trying to change them.

Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge improvements in your relationship, even small ones.

How to Accept What You Cannot Control:

Some relationships may never return to what they once were, and that's okay. Research shows that family estrangement often involves complex dynamics that require time and sometimes professional intervention to resolve (Coleman, 2021) ⁷. Your job is to:

• Be the best version of yourself in the relationship

• Stay open to connection when they're ready

• Take care of your own emotional wellbeing

• Find fulfillment in other relationships and activities

Moving Forward with Hope:

Remember that it is very common that parent-adult child relationships go through difficult phases before becoming stronger. The investment you make now in respecting their autonomy and improving your communication may not pay off immediately, but in time, can lead to deeper, more authentic relationships.

Focus on being someone your adult child wants to spend time with rather than someone they feel obligated to appease. This shift in perspective can transform both how you approach the relationship and how they experience being with you.

Your Life Beyond This Relationship:

While working on your relationship with your adult child is important, don't let it consume your entire emotional life.

Invest in:

• Your marriage or partnership

• Friendships with other women

• Hobbies and interests that bring you joy

• Your own personal growth and healing

  
  

A fulfilling life makes you a more interesting person to be around and reduces the pressure on your adult child to be your primary source of happiness and connection.

Thank you for reading my blog. I hope this information was helpful.  If you want to talk, click below to book your free 30-minute consultation.  Cheryl

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References and Further Reading

1. YouGov national survey: "One in four Americans are estranged from a family member" (NPR, December 2023)

2. Talkspace: "Parent-Child Estrangement: Common Causes and How to Cope" (2025)

3. Pew Research Center: "The Growing Pains of Young Adulthood" (2024)

4. Pew Research Center: "Parents' Relationships with Young Adult Children" (2024)

5. PMC (PubMed Central): "The effects of parental care and psychological control on well-being throughout adulthood" (2015)

6. Communications Psychology: "Parent-child relationship quality and adult well-being: Global Flourishing Study" (2024)

7. Coleman, J. "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict" (Harmony Books, 2021)

8. PMC (PubMed Central): "Tensions in parent-adult child relationships and communication patterns" (2015)

9. Gilbertson, T. "Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship" (New Harbinger Publications, 2020)