Blog #12 | Part 2: The Hardest Lesson - Learning When to Step Back

How to Recognize Being Over-Involved

Many of us struggle with knowing when our involvement crosses from loving support into territory that feels intrusive to our adult children. Signs you might be over-involved:

• You feel anxious when you don't hear from them regularly

• You offer solutions to problems they haven't asked you to solve

• You have strong opinions about their relationships, career, or lifestyle choices

• You feel responsible for their happiness or success

• You take their problems more seriously than they do

  
  

Why Stepping Back Sometimes Feels Impossible

Maternal Instinct: Our brains are wired to protect and nurture our children. These instincts don't automatically turn off when they become adults. In fact, studies show that 30-60% of young adults say they rely on their parents for emotional support. (Pew Research Center, 2024)⁴.

Fear of Losing Them: You might worry that if you're not actively involved, you'll become irrelevant in their lives.

Identity Shift: If being a hands-on mother has been central to your identity, stepping back can feel like losing yourself.

Four Tips on How to Love from a Distance:

Respond Rather Than Initiate: Let them reach out first more often. When they do contact you, be warm and available.

Ask Before Offering: "Would you like some suggestions, or do you just need me to listen?" gives them control over the conversation.

Celebrate Their Victories: Focus on acknowledging their successes rather than pointing out potential problems.

Share Your Own Life: Instead of only asking about them, share what you're doing, reading, or thinking about. This shifts the dynamic from parent-child to adult-adult.

Why Stepping Back May Feel Like Abandonment

Some of us worry that giving their adult children space sends a message that they don’t care, but remember:

• Love doesn't require constant contact

• Respect for their autonomy is a form of love

• Being available when needed is different from being intrusive

• Quality interactions matter more than quantity

  
  

In Part 3 of this series, we’ll talk about how to have difficult conversations with our adult children.  Thank you for reading my blog. I hope this information was helpful.  If you want to talk, click below to book your free 30-minute consultation.  Cheryl

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References and Further Reading

1. YouGov national survey: "One in four Americans are estranged from a family member" (NPR, December 2023)

2. Talkspace: "Parent-Child Estrangement: Common Causes and How to Cope" (2025)

3. Pew Research Center: "The Growing Pains of Young Adulthood" (2024)

4. Pew Research Center: "Parents' Relationships with Young Adult Children" (2024)

5. PMC (PubMed Central): "The effects of parental care and psychological control on well-being throughout adulthood" (2015)

6. Communications Psychology: "Parent-child relationship quality and adult well-being: Global Flourishing Study" (2024)

7. Coleman, J. "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict" (Harmony Books, 2021)

8. PMC (PubMed Central): "Tensions in parent-adult child relationships and communication patterns" (2015)

9. Gilbertson, T. "Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship" (New Harbinger Publications, 2020)